Poetry and Motrin
Gentle Readers,
I have the opportunity to submit some poems to an anthology and it's giving me a headache. It is an anthology for humorous poetry which I feel like is pretty unusual. The problem is you can only submit three, and at this point I'm writing three to four every day. Quantity over quality. So, I'm going to post the ones I've been considering and leave in the comments your favorite 3. Okay? Thanks.
Also, I'm planning to publish my own anthology very soon. So keep your eyes and wallets open for that.
Also, also, I opened a Fiverr account where you can buy some custom, sweet poetry of your own.
(1)
FDA Food Code 2017: Section 6-301.12
Employees Must Wash Hands!
It is the law: we must insist!
This sign’s at every taco stand
Yet, posted nowhere at my dentist?
Now, of course I understand
In fact, I think it’s grand
That all employees wash their hands
From Master Chef down to apprentice
Of course it would be rude if they prepared food after they pooed
And I won’t be misconstrued when I demand
To know about my dentist!
The man who cleans the grease traps, traps the rats and washes garbage cans
He understands that if he plans to keep his job
at local coffee shop
or largest joint that sells kebab
that he must wash his hands
Or be forced to rob to pay the rent, sis.
So, is it just me that finds it mental
How can one deny my premise?
Why is no one talking about my dental hygienist?
Who’s a menace
If those hands are dirty
Despite all efforts to be flirty
I would despise her
with her hands inside my mouth
Gently fondling my incisors
Anyone who thinks these rules should not apply to dentists
certainly in a court of law
They would be found non compos mentis
Can there be a judge who would dissent?
And if so then swiftly followed
would be my own descent
into madness
quickly followed by resentment
Now, what they do in bathroom stalls
it’s not at all my business
but at the sink I really think
We could post a sign that would bear witness
Just some simple soap and water
Why I oughta
Think they would find it quite relaxing
20 seconds scrubbing
After a day quite taxing
Cleaning and repairing teeth and gums
I am near defenseless
There strapped to my chair
By an apron made of plastic fastened at my throat
So gently draped in dental vestments
That siphon slurps saliva from my salivary glands
And my mind keeps swiftly drifting
Back, back, back, back
To the backs of her hands
Please let that be a freckle or a mole
Head back, mouth packed with gauze
She’s in control
And as she draws
Near it gives me pause
my mind, my mind drifts back
to the bathroom
at the little place I ate my snack
A simple snack; a sandwich toasted
Where the sign was neatly posted
And so clearly did appear.
And I look around my dentist's office and I wonder
… why not here?
(2)
The Other One About Pistachios
Pet turtles and pistachios
Both small and green and hearty
Both pleasant sitting in a bowl
But also fun at parties
Pet turtles and pistachios
I love them! You might scoff
While one’s enjoyed best in its shell
The other’s best shell off
(3)
Better Trees
(an unwarranted attack on Joyce Kilmer)
This poem is lovely as a tree
In fact, I’m quite proud of it
Besting trees in every way
(Though you can’t build a table from it)
This poem is so much lovelier
I’ll make you a believer
Preferred by almost everyone
Unless you are a beaver
A modern day Jack Kerouac
Preferred by all but lumberjacks
And lumberjanes, but not by strangers
Unless those strangers are park rangers
I won’t jump to the tree’s defense
But swords I still prefer to pens
(4)
No, Baby
The abortion debate now a spectacle
A shame from a court once respectable
I tell these men, maybe
To cut down on babies
Don’t remove rights; remove testicles*
(*Testicles the #1 source of babies).
(5)
Turducken
Few things more unnatural
Than the poor turducken
No bird inside another bird
Unless those birds be fuckin’
(6)
My Somewhat Conventional Beef with Organic Beef
Organic rancher I say quit
You sir, are a hypocrite!
For chick or cow no drugs will do
So, are there also none in you?
When you are sick do you abstain?
When fevers rise, when you’re in pain?
A blistered burn, a fractured spine
Do you just shrug and say, “I’m fine”?
To deny an animal proper treatment
Because you care more where their meat went?
Compassion it must trump compliance
At least convert to Christian Science
(7)
Pervert of the Poultry Department
(aka The Hero with no Capon)
There lived a man who was obsessed
Mesmerized by thighs and breasts
You'd find him nursing an erection
In your local poultry section
For him they’re something quite fantastic
Dressed in styrofoam and plastic
So plump; the package almost bursting
Like the hard-on he is nursing
Looking certainly did please him
But he longed to touch and squeeze them
The supermarkets tried to ban him
Simply didn't understand him
Please pity this unlucky fella
Sadly, dead from salmonella
(8)
Bananas
Who doesn’t love the humble banana
From the heights of Tibet to the plains of Montana
Globally praised as a source of potassium
Step on the peel
And down on your ass you come
(9)
Corn on the Cob
Corn on the cob
Who would have guessed?
Easy to eat
Hard to digest.
Not my opinion
For without a doubt
In each poop a kernel of truth will come out.
(10)
Consider The Pig
Consider the pig
As smart as your dog
While one is your pet
One's best eaten whole hog
Consider the cow
While not man's best friend
Surely, more than a purse
Or a source of burnt ends!
Consider the chicken
Who's done nothing malicious
Is it her fault
that she’s so damned delicious?
(Not to mention affordable, fast, and nutritious.)
Why not just eat plants?
Sure, this change might seem big
It’s the healthier choice; well at least for the pig.
(11)
Uncensered
A clumsy young priest out of Kent
At his church service, hardly commenced
In an accident horrible
Tripped over his thurible
And discovered himself quite incensed.
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