Poetry and Motrin

 

Gentle Readers,

I have the opportunity to submit some poems to an anthology and it's giving me a headache.  It is an anthology for humorous poetry which I feel like is pretty unusual.  The problem is you can only submit three, and at this point I'm writing three to four every day.  Quantity over quality.  So, I'm going to post the ones I've been considering and leave in the comments your favorite 3.  Okay? Thanks. 

Also, I'm planning to publish my own anthology very soon. So keep your eyes and wallets open for that. 

Also, also, I opened a Fiverr account where you can buy some custom, sweet poetry of your own. 

(1)

FDA Food Code 2017: Section 6-301.12

Employees Must Wash Hands!

It is the law: we must insist!

This sign’s at every taco stand

Yet, posted nowhere at my dentist?

Now, of course I understand

In fact, I think it’s grand

That all employees wash their hands

From Master Chef down to apprentice

Of course it would be rude if they prepared food after they pooed

And I won’t be misconstrued when I demand

To know about my dentist!

The man who cleans the grease traps, traps the rats and washes garbage cans

He understands that if he plans to keep his job 

at local coffee shop 

or largest joint that sells kebab 

that he must wash his hands 

Or be forced to rob to pay the rent, sis.

So, is it just me that finds it mental 

How can one deny my premise?

Why is no one talking about my dental hygienist?

Who’s a menace 

If those hands are dirty 

Despite all efforts to be flirty

I would despise her 

with her hands inside my mouth 

Gently fondling my incisors 

Anyone who thinks these rules should not apply to dentists 

certainly in a court of law

They would be found non compos mentis

Can there be a judge who would dissent?

And if so then swiftly followed 

would be my own descent 

into madness 

quickly followed by resentment

Now, what they do in bathroom stalls 

it’s not at all my business

but at the sink I really think

We could post a sign that would bear witness 

Just some simple soap and water

Why I oughta 

Think they would find it quite relaxing 

20 seconds scrubbing

After a day quite taxing

Cleaning and repairing teeth and gums

I am near defenseless 

There strapped to my chair 

By an apron made of plastic fastened at my throat

So gently draped in dental vestments 

That siphon slurps saliva from my salivary glands

And my mind keeps swiftly drifting 

Back, back, back, back

To the backs of her hands

Please let that be a freckle or a mole

Head back, mouth packed with gauze

She’s in control

And as she draws

Near it gives me pause 

my mind, my mind drifts back 

to the bathroom

at the little place I ate my snack

A simple snack; a sandwich toasted 

Where  the sign was neatly posted 

And so clearly did appear. 

And I look around my dentist's office and I wonder 

… why not here?

(2)
The Other One About Pistachios

Pet turtles and pistachios 

Both small and green and hearty

Both pleasant sitting in a bowl

But also fun at parties

Pet turtles and pistachios 

I love them! You might scoff

While one’s enjoyed best in its shell

The other’s best shell off

(3)

Better Trees
(an unwarranted attack on Joyce Kilmer)

This poem is lovely as a tree

In fact, I’m quite proud of it

Besting trees in every way

(Though you can’t build a table from it)

This poem is so much lovelier

I’ll make you a believer

Preferred by almost everyone

Unless you are a beaver

A modern day Jack Kerouac 

Preferred by all but lumberjacks

And lumberjanes, but not by strangers

Unless those strangers are park rangers

I won’t jump to the tree’s defense

But swords I still prefer to pens

(4)

No, Baby

The abortion debate now a spectacle 

A shame from a court once respectable

I tell these men, maybe

To cut down on babies

Don’t remove rights; remove testicles*

(*Testicles the #1 source of babies). 

(5)

Turducken

Few things more unnatural 

Than the poor turducken

No bird inside another bird

Unless those birds be fuckin’

(6)

My Somewhat Conventional Beef with Organic Beef

Organic rancher I say quit

You sir, are a hypocrite! 

For chick or cow no drugs will do

So, are there also none in you?

When you are sick do you abstain?

When fevers rise, when you’re in pain?

A blistered burn, a fractured spine

Do you just shrug and say, “I’m fine”?

To deny an animal proper treatment

Because you care more where their meat went?

Compassion it must trump compliance

At least convert to Christian Science 

(7)

Pervert of the Poultry Department 

(aka The Hero with no Capon)

There lived a man who was obsessed

Mesmerized by thighs and breasts

You'd find him nursing an erection

In your local poultry section

For him they’re something quite fantastic

Dressed in styrofoam and plastic

So plump; the package almost bursting

Like the hard-on he is nursing

Looking certainly did please him

But he longed to touch and squeeze them

The supermarkets tried to ban him

Simply didn't understand him

Please pity this unlucky fella

Sadly, dead from salmonella

(8)

Bananas

Who doesn’t love the humble banana

From the heights of Tibet to the plains of Montana

Globally praised as a source of potassium

Step on the peel 

And down on your ass you come

(9)

Corn on the Cob

Corn on the cob

Who would have guessed?

Easy to eat 

Hard to digest. 

Not my opinion 

For without a doubt 

In each poop a kernel of truth will come out. 

(10)

Consider The Pig

Consider the pig

As smart as your dog

While one is your pet

One's best eaten whole hog

Consider the cow

While not man's best friend

Surely, more than a purse 

Or a source of burnt ends!

Consider the chicken 

Who's done nothing malicious 

Is it her fault

that she’s so damned delicious?

(Not to mention affordable, fast, and nutritious.)

Why not just eat plants?

Sure, this change might seem big

It’s the healthier choice; well at least for the pig. 

(11)

Uncensered 

A clumsy young priest out of Kent

At his church service, hardly commenced 

In an accident horrible

Tripped over his thurible

And discovered himself quite incensed.

6